Category Archives: Sports

6 People Who Might Be Satan (According to the Internet)

Nobody enjoys a good internet rabbit hole like myself.  It’s generally common for me to climb into bed around sunrise after a hard night’s work of investigative journalism, with topics ranging from Kobe Bryant’s rap career to Martin Bashir being a dick to Michael Jackson to the recent death of Michael Hastings.  One hole that is particularly gaping is the growing faction of of theorists who believe there’s some demonic shit going down right in front of our faces.  To understand how to connect these (mostly fictitious) reference points, one should be familiar with the term “Illuminati”.  Well, at least vaguely familiar.  For the sake of saving you from that rabbit hole (just dont, it’s not even an especially fun one), we’ll give you this simple translation: Illuminati = Satan.  And because there are various cross sections of satanism, let’s all just picture the familiar looking dude with the horns.

If it wasn’t made abundantly clear by that opening paragraph, I do not subscribe to such beliefs.  I will say, however,  that it makes for some positively enjoyable reading material.  Here’s the tip of the iceberg on my top 6 (because, of course).

1. Lebron James

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The NBA’s Craziest Off Court Incidents

The NBA has had some interesting personalities come and go through the league in its lifetime.  “Interesting personalities” is probably the nicest way possible of putting it.  The league has done a lot to clean up its public image of a “overpaid thugs”, with mostly great success, but players personal lives still inevitably make it into the headlines.  With great athletic ability comes great responsibility to not do dumb shit, according to that quote from Spiderman that I just manipulated.

Athletes today are observed through such an intensely judgmental microscope that any slip up immediately becomes world knowledge.  Some of these are hilarious (J.R. Smith trying to get laid), some disturbing (Kobe Bryant trying to get laid), and some aren’t any fault of the athlete (Carlos Boozer), but they all now have a place in internet history.  I’ve decided to try and chronicle some of the most stand out moments from NBA players past and present.

The Time Carlos Boozer Leased His House To Prince

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Son of Hilljack’s First Annual Bracket Challenge

CLICK HERE TO JOIN TOURNAMENT PICK ‘EM

League ID: 158704   Password: basketballbros

(Did you click it? Because the whole point of this post is so we can all have fun and make college basketball picks.  Together.  Us.)

Jesus, it’s already March?

WAIT….it’s March 19th!?!? I haven’t even stopped dating important shit “2012” yet.

Truth be told, March is my absolute favorite month of the year because of the two greatest American holidays known to man.

1. Tax Returns : They may not necessarily fall within this month for you, but I have this guy doing my taxes, and the process always seems to happen at breakneck speeds.

2. March Madness : You needn’t be a sports fanatic to love bracketology.  Through my experiences, this particular event seems to represent of the antithesis of logic.  I heart college basketball in a big way, but that hasn’t ever translated to an even remotely accurate bracket.

However, should you feel compelled to seek some advice in terms of what you may have missed over the course of the season, I’ll go ahead and throw out some opinions for you to take into consideration.  And while I won’t  necessarily be wrong on any of these observations, you may just want to disregard them completely.  Seriously, pick winners based on mascots, logos, colors etc.  I implore you — use any method outside of reason, and you won’t be sorry.
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The Chicago White Sox : Where Stars Go To Die

It’s hit my Twitter feed like a wave.  My beloved sector of White Sox beat writers have collectively awoken like a sleeping giant.  As a huge basketball fan, I’m not ready.  My Illini are surging and the NBA season inches closer to being interesting.

Last week, it was the ubiquitous collection of dudes standing around a mound.  Harness the excitement.

Today kicks off the first game at Camelback Ranch, so of course I want the deetz.

Farmer and DJ are kinda tiptoeing around the name “Tekotte.” I thought it was TEE-cody. Is that right?

— South Side Sox (@SouthSideSox) February 23, 2013

I think I’m mostly shocked that anybody would subject themselves to Darrin Jackson before March.  That’s straight masochism, sir.

In all fairness, I’ll be in Glendale in 2 weeks, doing the same shit.  Hilljack and I will be professing our man-crushes for Trayce Thompson, I’ll be heckling Juan Uribe, and @SonOfHilljack will be losing followers, one by one.  I can’t help but feel like this spring lacks a little bit of the usual Kenny Williams induced bravado, though, and for good reason — he’s no longer our GM.  This realization becomes especially accordant when considering we haven’t made any newsworthy splashes this off season.  No big free agent news, no controversial trades.  And no washed up veterans.  The latter provides a serious shift in White Sox culture that dies with the changing of the guard.  We didn’t sign Jason Giambi this offseason.  Nor Ichiro, Eric Chavez or Scott Rolen.  Did we even take a flyer on LaTroy Hawkins?  What the fuck is going on here?

Let’s take a closer look at exactly what I’m talking about.  Where as players on the North Side have historically blossomed when seeking sanctuary with new organizations, Bridgeport is apparently the hottest retirement community for aging superstars since 2000.

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Tell Us What You Really Think, Kevin Seifert; What is This Blog?

Hey, Matt Bailey, can I really just write anything I want on this blog? *Scrolls down* “The Top 5 Best Numbers”.. some obscure Four Tet thing… a short story about Big Boi.. a novella about trends in NBA hair styles.. Yep!  Totally coherent stream of content going on.  I give this blog seven Confused Hilljacks.

So, the Chicago Bears hired Marc Trestman as their head coach today, and Kevin Seifert, as ESPN’s NFC North Blogger, was forced to write things about it.  Mostly hilariously subtle insult type things.  Also, wildly opposing, hyperbolic prediction type things.  Let’s examine:

In the middle of a cold January night, the Chicago Bears hit a brilliant home run. Either that, or they struck out wildly.

Or possibly a single.  Or an infield fly.  Or maybe they’ll reach third on an error and a blown call by the third base umpire.  Why don’t we have replay for that in baseball yet?

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