Category Archives: Natty Morrison

Five Rappers Who Kinda Made Me Want to Sell Drugs

"Give me my motherfucking money, bitch." - Natty, age 3

“Give me my motherfucking money, bitch.” – Natty, age 3

(Writer’s Note: I am white.  I am not sure if this is a relevant fact, but it is a fact.  Do with it what you will.)

I don’t sell drugs.  It’s not that I wouldn’t, I just can’t.  I don’t believe I have the necessary skill sets to be effective in drug dealing.  Dealers need to be tough. They need to be good with money (i.e. good with math). And they need to not do drugs.

I am none of these things.

BUT, I am a lover of hip-hop.  The way it sounds, the way it feels…even just the way the artists say certain words inspire a geek-out reaction for me.  So…there is an innate, immediate, inexplicable mental reaction that I have from certain songs or albums.  It’s always more a fantasy, not even realistic…but it is undeniable.

And that reaction is that it makes me want to sell drugs.

I realize I am treading on dangerous ground here. Rap is often made by black persons. Not always, but fairly often. Additionally, I do not believe the drug culture is specific to any race or creed.  Everyone who does drugs loves drugs, and THAT is what drives the drug empire in the world.

But I don’t think I’m the only one who thinks that sometimes…sometimes it sounds fucking dope to sell drugs when the said narrative is accompanied by ill beats and a dude who sounds amazingly cool. So. with all that being said, here is my list of the Five Rappers(s) who kinda made me want to sell drugs.

1. Notorious B.I.G.

Holy shit. Just the way his flow fell on the beat sounded like someone counting money. No. Wait. It sounded like one of those money counters. The ones that sounded like a dude shuffling cards. Biggie was effortless. It never seemed like he was breaking a sweat (even though if you know what he looked like, you’d just assume he was sweating, constantly) but he managed to drop a wealth of knowledge on a generation of heads. He was almost shouting, but you simply got the impression he was just calmly stating, “THIS SHIT IS WORTH LISTENING TO.” Also important: He was one of the first rappers to illustrate and live the persona of the internally conflicted.  To me, this is an essential writing tactic of a true hip-hop artist. Also, this one time, he said: “You don’t have to say shit/ I’ve been robbing motherfuckers since the slave ship!” That was sick.

Sample tune: “Things Done Changed”

At first, the beat sounds charming, almost happy. But soon  – very soon – it becomes apparent that, while things used to be happy, things are indeed not happy.

2. Wu-Tang Clan

Totally not one rapper, but these guys’ rhymes made me want to do shit of which I was totally not capable. This is really one of those groups that didn’t necessarily want to make me sell drugs; it’s never entirely clear whether they support the game that they (mostly) met through. But they DID make me want to  be in a gang. Not a real gang. I mean, I don’t want to brag, but I’ve seen quite a bit of the television program “Gangland.” And if that show has taught me only one thing, it’s that white people need an unneccesary amount of definitions for pretty understandable words (Seriously! “The Wire.” I thought you all you honkies watched that!).  But if it’s a second thing, it’s that I could not make it in a group that required an application process more complex than, “Question 1: When was the last time you did something for the first time?” But these homies had serious skill, and the beats from RZA have shaped the way I bob my head. Seriously. I fucking love every album from these dudes. Even the ones that kinda suck.

Sample tune: “C.R.E.A.M”

Honestly, this song wasn’t really a pro-dealing cut. But the way Rae says shit like,” A young tooth, rocking the gold tooth and ‘Lo goose, Only way I began to G off was drug loot,” made me want to find my nearest dope house and rob it. Instead, I probably just went to Arby’s. Side note: when I first realized what C.R.E.A.M. stands for, I was sitting in the Sagamore Parkway Payless parking lot and I was like, “HEY GUYS, GUESS WHAT?”

3. Gucci Mane

Just a quick note: “Trap God,” including mixtapes, is Gucci’s 27th studio release.  27th.  That is a staggering, staggering, fucking STAGGERING number considering the dude started eight years ago. That is far beyond prolific, even in comparison to music’s greatest contributors. In his first eight years, Elvis recorded and released ten albums. Ten. THAT DUDE IS A BITCH. So what if he was in the army?  He was a racist, anyway.

Like Son of Hilljack’s creator, Matt Bailey, I really wasn’t made aware of Gucci until he co-starred in Harmony Korine’s 2012 masterpiece, “Spring Breakers.” But since then, I have found his (for some reason, questionable) flow is the first one that feels like drug dealing.  It’s shortened, minimized, gruff, both full of dialect and dialectic, and beautiful to boot. Such a rare artist, Gucci is able to convey a wide array of viewpoints and mindsets. But in the end, “Trap God,” would be an AMAZING soundtrack for a huge coke deal gone right. I do not want a coke deal gone wrong.

Sample tune: “Street Nigga”

This guy is believable. Like, I believe this guy.

4.  Snoop Doggy Dogg

Yeah, that’s what I call him. Sorry, but I’m not referring to Snoop, or Snoop Lion, or the new spokesman for Overstock.com. I’m referring to the guy formerly known as the Artist I Used to Give  a Shit About. Before he would literally do ANYTHING for money, Calvin Broadus made selling dope sound smooth. It wasn’t shitty and painful, like a piece of Brillo Pad you scratch against your hand before smoking crack, it was beautiful and liquid, like the state of the steel being formed to make the Brillo Pad you would use to smoke crack. He never seemed like the Tony Montana type of dealer, one who would exact precise revenge on any of his enemies. Snoop seemed like the kind of guy who would watch you rip him off, spit a few sick bars and then tell Suge Knight to fucking murder you.

Sample tune: “Deep Cover”

Never has murdering an undercover police officer sounded so fun. I do not support killing police informants, but if I was a guy who did, I probably would support this song. Snoop’s verse is the highlight, by far, and that includes the painstakingly uninteresting opening. So much exposition. Snore. Remember, I don’t support killing officers of the law, ever.

5. Jay-Z

Okay, first off: Fuck Jay-Z. I don’t mean this in a hyperbolic sense. I seriously, realistically and honestly think Jay is a fucking joke. Okay, yeah, “Reasonable Doubt,” is a dope, dope, dope album. Even parts of, “The Blueprint,” are great (not the KRS album; THAT whole album is fire).  But this guy has not tried in probably ten years. And yet, despite his reliance on a stupid fucking laugh and his tongue twist (you know, like, “Tiggity-tongue twist, I diggity-done that”), Shawn Carter has somehow gone from shitty Brooklyn coke dealer to being biggest rap star on the globe, married to Beyonce, worth $500 million, and owning the Nets. This makes me insanely jealous, and who the fuck wants the Nets? No one, that’s who. But this rags-to-riches story makes petty drug dealing seem worth being a goddamned imposter. Get off that throne, Jay-Z. No one likes you. You straight up ruined, “Suit ‘n Tie.”

Sample tune: Fuck Jay-Z. He doesn’t get a song.

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Best Albums of 2013 (thus far)

Matt Bailey @SonOfHilljack

Parquet Courts – Light Up Gold
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I turned 24 the other day, and this shit gets a little more depressing every year.  Thankfully we have Brooklyn pessimists with Squire Stratocasters pledging their discontent through feedback and razor sharp wit.  A soundtrack for post graduate despair that radiates with slacker quirk, I can blast this in my compact economy car while some lady next to me at an LA stoplight in an Audi purses her lips and thinks to herself “Get a job.”  Conversely, I’m thinking to myself, “Atleast 3 people just ran that red light.  And why does nobody have their turn signals on?  Did none of you people have stable father figures in your life?”
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Cool Songs : March

Happy Easter kids.  Mine began with an egg hunt.  I won’t get into details, but I don’t think there will ever be a moment in my life where that isn’t fun.  I have to say, March was really great.  I saw one brilliant movie (Spring Breakers) and heard more than a few great albums.

Things to look forward to in April : James Blake album, “Blue Ocean Floor” remixes, a new music video from Lafayette, Indiana favorite Broken Light.  

Things I was listening to not necessarily from March, which might be re-titled the “Call Your Girlfriend” award : GUCCI MANE.  Particularly Trap God.  Admittedly, I couldn’t pick Gucci’s flow out of a lineup 72 hours ago, but it is instantly one of my favorites thanks to Harmony Korine and Spring Breakers.


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“Domo 23”- Tyler, the Creator

By: Natty Morrison

Goddamit, it’s great to have Odd Future’s leader back.  Not that the rest of the nihilist, fuck-everything-and-everyone, futurist weirdo clan haven’t been hard at work making hip-hop and R&B safe for artsy-fartsy types (see: Earl Sweatshirt, The Internet, Mellowhype, Domo Genesis, that one bisexual dude who sings about Pyramids), but Tyler’s quick-tongued guttural growl has been oddly absent over the past few months.  So imagine my gleeful surprise when last Thursday night, seemingly from out of nowhere, Tyler dropped “Domo 23,” presumably the new single from his upcoming solo cut Wolf.  This album has to be one of my most anticipated records of 2013, as it is rumored to be the third installment of his “Dr. TC sessions,” to which we were introduced on the brilliant intro to Bastard.  Tyler has said that this album will be more beat-centered and features less rapping than his previous solo efforts, even containing numerous instrumentals he’s been perfecting since age 15.  This gets me even MORE giddy, because the instrumental tune AU79, on 2011’s Goblin, along with the psychedelic “Gotta let them go,” section to Goblin’s “Radicals” were two of my favorite moments from that sophomore LP.

ANYWAY…back to the video.  Tyler’s oft-hilarious Twitter showcased his anxiety and excitement over posting the new video, saying things like

@FUCKTYLER 20 MINUTES TILL I DROP SHITTY NEW VIDEO

And

@FUCKTYLER IM SO NERVOUS WHAT IF EVERYONE HATE IT AND I GO BROKE FUCK AHHHH

And

@FUCKTYLER YOU ALL ARE GONNA HATE IT. SERIOUSLY. ITS NOT GOOD. 3 MORE MINUTES!!!!!!

My thoughts?  Dude has nothing to worry about, this tune is motherfucking solid.  The video makes me laugh (his hair is incredible; Taco’s slow motion faces are also incredible; EVERYTHING IS INCREDIBLE), and his rhymes sound far less self-conscious than they tended to veer on Goblin.  But the truly realest moment (TRILL, Y’ALL) comes during the abrupt change at 3:37.  One can only hope this diabetes-grade sweetness continues throughout the album.

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Natty’s Top 5 or 6 Favorite Producers, Right Now

“I fucking love drums and I fucking love drumbeats.”-” John Phillip Sousa

 

As a white dude with a beard and internet access, I know I’m supposed to really love high-brow rock music.  But in reality, I just really, really, really like beats.  Like dope beats.  Super dope beats.  Even somewhat dope beats get a significant number of plays in the Natty household. Basically as long as a particular beat has a dopeness rating greater than zero, I will most likely be listening to it.  And perhaps at a certain time in history it would have been vaguely laughable for a white bro to love “black music,” (as racist fucking people call hip-hop), but for now it’s not a matter of white or black.  It’s a matter of dope or not dope.

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Yo La Tengo: Fade

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Yo La Tengo is a messed up band.

On Fade, the group’s first proper album since 2009’s Popular Songs, the album’s first single, “Ohm” opens the disc with a nervous percussion loop and a dark, ominous hum until bursting into chugging guitar and a seriously heavy drum part from Georgia Hubley.  That may sound convoluted; that’s because it totally is.  Major key riffs and sing-song vocals mix with devastating six-string deconstruction and inexplicable lyrics that seem to suggest exactly what the instrumental side of the song does: “But nothing ever stays the same / Nothing’s explained.”  The same can be said for Yo La Tengo.

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Top 5 Numbers (1 to 5)

#5.          5

I don’t want to sound overly critical but the number 5 is fucking useless and should be removed as a number entirely.  If it is your 5 Year Old Birthday Party: fuck you, straight up. This party is lame and you’re just a terrible host.

I read your novel. It fucking sucks.

I read your novel. It fucking sucks.

The 5’s main claim to fame is that it’s half of 10, widely accepted as the perfect number of all time. Well guess what, 5?  You’ll never be half the number 10 was, no matter what some pussy calculator says.  Also, every time I have $5 bill I’m like, Why the shit isn’t this a $10?  And then I throw it fucking garbage.

Fuck 5.

#4.          3

Remember My Dinner With Andre?  It’s the weird sequel to The Princess Bride where that hilarious “inconceivable” guy and Andre the Giant get dinner and have a long conversation and that’s pretty much it?  If you ask me it was pretty so-so,  all they do is talk (and no one even rhymes during it), but I guess the food looked pretty good.  Anyway, that shit worked because there were two dudes.  2.  The perfect number for a conversation.  So imagine if halfway through, that fucking Grandpa from the first Princess Brideshowed up, sat down at the table and started yamming on about Fred Savage…Wouldn’t that piss you off? Yeah, I remember the Wonder Years.  You know what else I remember about Fred Savage?  Nothing.  Thanks a lot number 3, you just ruined my dinner with Andre the Giant.  And now that dude is dead.

This guy is dead.

Oh yeah, I forgot, Fred Savage is dead.  That is a fact. Tell everyone that Fred Savage is dead and that I need to know where he got that shirt.

#3.          1

In 1969, Three Dog Night told us it’s the loneliest number you’ll ever do. We were going through a break-up then, feeling pretty vulnerable and alone and the song was really speaking to us; they made us feel safe, and we believed them.  But apparently they’re just a bunch of goddamned liars, because they immediately turn around and say it’s actually the number 2.  Well which is it, you two-timing bastards? Whatever. We’re over. Also did you know that guy’s dick exploded?

In reality, 1 isn’t lonely at all; He’s a total egomaniac. It’s the original prime number, and everyone knows prime numbers are arrogant assholes.  “I’m the lowest natural number.” Well no one likes you because you’re a loser and a bad sport.  And, even though 1 can only be divided by 1, it’s not even A FUCKING PRIME NUMBER.  This is because a prime number has to have 2 factors, itself AND 1. The number 1 only has 1 factor, and I’ll bet that was a factor in your dad leaving your mom.

A bunch of lying sacks of shit.  Dude with broken dong is 3rd from left. Also, I had no idea there was a black guy in Three Dog Night.

A bunch of lying sacks of shit. Dude with broken dong is 3rd from left. Also, I had no idea there was a black guy in Three Dog Night.

#2.          2

Eternally overlooked, always the underdog, second in every line. 2 is the Doug Flutie of numbers.  Small but scrappy, 2 has been underestimated, underused and shit all over his entire career.  They said the same things to them both.

“You’re too short, number  2.”    

“You can’t play quarterback, number 2.”

“You throw like a little pussy, number 2.”

 “You can’t go to a good college, 2. You have to go to Boston College, 2.”

“You can’t win the Heisman, 2.”

“I don’t care if you won the Heisman, you’re 5’10”, and look like a failed actor in gay porn.”

“You’ll never make it in gay porn, Doug Flutie.”

You’ll never be in a band with your brother.  And you’ll never rock.”

But then everyone saw him throw a badass Hail Mary with a super wicked spiral, and they were like,

“Hey, 2!…You’re alright.  We were wrong about you.  Here, let us make it up to you. Come be the lowest drafted Heisman winner of all time, then we’ll keep ignoring you until you fade into the Canadian Football League for 8 years or so.  Then, after that, you can come play for The Buffalo Bills.  You can even get us all the way to the playoffs, at which point we’ll bench you and then lose in historic fashion to the Titans on a last second kick return.  Next season, we will demote you to back-up , but everyone will still be really proud of you. Then we’ll cut you.  Best of luck in gay porn, Doug Flutie.”

And you know what? Doug Flutie proved them all wrong, when he tried out for AND made the cut for drummer in the Flutie Brothers Band, because what the fuck else are you going to call a band with Doug Flutie in it?

Doug Flutie is wearing a cutoff shirt and is a drummer in a band but mostly he's wearing a cutoff shirt.

This is the only picture on Doug Flutie’s Wikipedia page. Doug Flutie’s Wikipedia page is  probably the saddest thing ever.  I hope Doug Flutie doesn’t kill himself. Doug Flutie will probably kill himself.

#1.          4

4 is the most musical number, because 4/4 is the most pleasing time signature to the human ear.  In the case of white human ears, it is the only pleasing  time signature.  This is because white people ears are stupid and look dumb the way they stick out.  Mainly, though, white people know that music sometimes leads to dancing and when there are non-white people around that becomes an extremely terrifying situation.  That is why white people clap, because if you clap, you’re basically in the band.  And then it’s just like, bring on chicks?

But don’t ever, ever EVER play anything else. It has to go Boom BAP Boom Boom Bap all the time.  If they can’t count to 4 in a song, white people will become very scared.  So scared they stop clapping and start listening to the voices in their head and then we end up with a dead John Lennon on our hands and we have to act like his solo shit is good.

Jesus Christ, we get it, you like Asian chicks.

Jesus Christ, we get it, you like Asian chicks.

Four is also a really solid number for members in a band.  And if it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t be able to show you this list of the 10 Greatest Bands with Four Members.  I must stress THIS IS TOTALLY REAL.  A real person made this list.  I cannot explain it.  It is just too amazing.

Gone, forgotten. Fred Savage

You sang out tune, we walked out on you.  By the way, where did you get that shirt?

(1976-2013) 

R.I.P. Fred Savage (1976-2012)