Nobody enjoys a good internet rabbit hole like myself. It’s generally common for me to climb into bed around sunrise after a hard night’s work of investigative journalism, with topics ranging from Kobe Bryant’s rap career to Martin Bashir being a dick to Michael Jackson to the recent death of Michael Hastings. One hole that is particularly gaping is the growing faction of of theorists who believe there’s some demonic shit going down right in front of our faces. To understand how to connect these (mostly fictitious) reference points, one should be familiar with the term “Illuminati”. Well, at least vaguely familiar. For the sake of saving you from that rabbit hole (just dont, it’s not even an especially fun one), we’ll give you this simple translation: Illuminati = Satan. And because there are various cross sections of satanism, let’s all just picture the familiar looking dude with the horns.
If it wasn’t made abundantly clear by that opening paragraph, I do not subscribe to such beliefs. I will say, however, that it makes for some positively enjoyable reading material. Here’s the tip of the iceberg on my top 6 (because, of course).
1. Lebron James
Oh, you’re surprised that a 6’8” 250 superhuman that runs the length of the court in like…4 steps is not only a beast in the slang sense of the word but in fact the Beast that got thrown in the fiery lake by Christ? That’s on you then, man — the signs were all there. Where to begin with the King…
For starters, he changed his number to 6
Also, see that sign he’s throwing up? It’s not gang affiliation, and it’s certainly not a celebratory gesture for a made 3 point field goal (because we don’t like to use context in this section). That my friends means 666, the mark of the beast.
Taking it one step further, there’s this mysterious and wildly elaborate gesture he performs after the national anthem — every single game. Satanic tribute? You guessed it. Fast forward to about 1:20 to see Bron literally ready to bust out of him warmups in anticipation of throwing kudos to the dark underlord.
(unexpected highlight of that video: Cameraman quickly turning the camera to his face with the ultimate look of illuminati-truther validation. Way to go guy, we caught em)
There’s plenty more – Lebron’s relationship with Jay-Z and that evil as fuck rockafella hand sign, his not so clandestine devil digs and a number of other chilling (if not hilarious) facts to connect him with the occult.
Oh and they made a human sacrifice of Chris Bosh’s curiously anonymous masseuse. OH AND JAMES, BOSH AND DWYANE WADE ALL SIGNED 6 YEAR CONTRACTS.
Sometimes selling your soul to the Devil is the price you pay for an NBA dynasty.
2. Jay-Z, and everybody in his immediate network.
They’re all the devil man, because Jay’s just an infectious cat. How infectious? Well not only is he satan, but he dabbles in some vampiric pursuits as well. This news broke a couple months back on the heels of a 1939 photo with a HOV doppleganger.
“The blood-sucking beasts don’t age the way humans do and some people believe that the rapper could be hundreds or thousands of years old. That would explain the singer’s in-depth knowledge of New York City.”
Pair that with the rampant illuminati pyramids
And the Aleister Crowley tagline “Do What Thou Wilt”
…and Lucifer 9 backwards….
...And Kanye was clearly being metaphorical….
...and Beyonce’s affinity for Baphomet…
Alright bros, I’m getting a little creeped out. How about some Katt Williams tweets to lighten things up
I.V.Y. = Illuminati’s Very Youngest B.L.U.E. = Born Living Under Evil. Blue Ivy spelt backwords (Eulb Yvi) = Latin for “Lucifers Daughter”.
— Katt Williams (@KattWiIlliams) January 8, 2012
…son of a bitch
If the lord works in mysterious ways, Jay-Z might as well throw a roof top party at his loft in hell.
3. Lady Gaga
If I’m remembering this correctly, she came to Purdue while I was doing my undergrad there and covered our then-President in fake blood. Not exactly Gwar, but hardly above suspicion.
Real quick (not really) — I was thinking of inserting a Christian Rock band in the bold above instead of what’s written, but I decided against it. However, it did lead me to a phenomenonal wiki which lists all Christian Rock bands. First thoughts….this is a long fucking list of bands I’ve never heard of in my life. Then a bunch of thoughts about the band meeting where they took a vote to see if they should add themselves to the list, because I’m sure many of these bands took that exact liberty. Then I’m thinking, these are some incredible band names. Not in a good way. For example: DigHayZoose, Leaderdogs for the Blind (Do they mean Guide Dogs?), X-sinner, Glowin’ Moses, and I Am Terrified. Final thoughts, did Creed remove themselves from this list? Then I read the last line in the intro, and my mind is blown.
The band’s own desire to be considered as part of the genre are not a consideration.
If this means what I think it does — and I can’t be sure because that can’t be grammatically correct– a band may or may not be added to this list on a whim, and it’s essentially impossible to take yourself off. That’s condemnation at it’s core.
Anyway, GaGa. There’s a fairly hilarious trail of satanic evidence she leaves that could only suggest she’s the chief ambassador to the underworld. She wears funny outfits (a first for pop stars), covers up one eye a lot (how utterly ghoulish), and chowed down on some rosary beads (slightly easier to digest than a crucifix) Here’s a chilling take from this article:
Lady Gaga allegedly left “large amounts of blood” in a hotel bath.
The eccentric singer reportedly shocked staff when she checked out of London’s lavish Intercontinental Hotel last summer and they discovered a pool of red liquid in the tub of her suite.
One housekeeper claimed the pop superstar was “bathing in blood as part of a Satanic ritual”.
Other sources believe Gaga could have been using the red liquid as part of a “weird” stage costume or prop.
Well I certainly see no evidence suggesting she’d need any type of red liquid on stage. You do realize how easy it is to get a bathtub’s worth of blood into a hotel right? Nearly as easy as filling the tub with water and throwing in a little red dye for good measure. But nobody is going to that trouble just to trip people out. Certainly not GaGa.
4. Emma Watson
Flashback to ’99 when you were toting your newly minted copy of the Sorcerer’s Stone. Not only did it make for a phenomenal bedtime read, that shit was mad hip because it was getting the Footloose treatment all over the world. Condemned for its “promotion of witchcraft”, the Harry Potter series planted little seeds of black magic, and sowed its field of evil with the baby faces of Watson and her co-stars. For a solid decade, our Hermoine laid low, and the Harry Potter series sidestepped controversy on the heels of its engrossing plot lines and brilliant film adaptations. But when the dust settled, Watson dropped this bomb on us.
Welp, can’t say they never warned us.
5. Britney Spears
Odds are you’ve kept some loose tabs on B. Spears over the past decade and a half, whether you wanted to or not. She grew up a product of Disney (aka Satan) and followed the fairly predictable pop star meltdown trajectory. In 2002, she starred in the movie “Crossroads”, which I of course didn’t watch not only because of my assumption that it lacked basic cinematic substance, but also because I already saw a movie called “Crossroads” from 1986, and it was super boring. SEPT FOR THE FACT IT WAS ABOUT KARATE KID SELLING HIS SOUL TO THE DEVIL. Coincidence? You be the judge.
Spears most avid supporters claim that whole breakdown that left her looking like Sinead O’Conner was actually her trying to escape the grips of the Illuminati. That very well may be, but she did come back sporting some suspicious new ink. Even if it’s not satanic, it’s pretty fucking hilarious in it’s own right. Behold the art that adorns her skin.
Horrifying, to say the least.
6. Andrew W.K.
The ultra-optimist who stamps his character with the hash tag #ThatsThePowerOfPositivePartying. For example:
PARTY TIP: Fold a dog’s ear in half and gently enjoy its sweet velvety softness.
— ANDREW WK (@AndrewWK) March 29, 2012
I love ANDREW WK. Not necessarily for his music, but more so the fact he wields a guitar shaped like a slice of pizza and plays drums for 24 hours straight just because it’s a rad thing to do. Additionally, he’s part of my all time favorite internet rabbit hole. Unfortunately for him, it leads directly to the fiery depths of hell.
This story is long, with all sorts of subplots. He’s essentially the Jason Bourne of rock n roll. Created for a purpose by the occult. Brainwashed, controlled, cast aside.
No literally, the rumor is he’s more than one person. At some point in time they switched Andrews on us.
The occult organization that’s pulling the strings? Hard to say, but it has something to do with Steev Mike (or Dave Grohl, depending on who you ask). To make matters worse, Andrew does very little to extinguish the theory. Here’s his quote:
“I’m not the guy you’ve seen from the I Get Wet album … I’m not that same person. I don’t just mean that in a philosophical or conceptual way. It’s not the same person at all.”
Uh, OK. But you look the s…
Holy shit! OK, what else?
Well friends, I couldn’t possibly take you down that path. I think instead I’ll point you to the essential readings on Andrew/Satan, and leave you with the dark lord doing the weather report, of course.