Top 5 Numbers (1 to 5)

#5.          5

I don’t want to sound overly critical but the number 5 is fucking useless and should be removed as a number entirely.  If it is your 5 Year Old Birthday Party: fuck you, straight up. This party is lame and you’re just a terrible host.

I read your novel. It fucking sucks.

I read your novel. It fucking sucks.

The 5’s main claim to fame is that it’s half of 10, widely accepted as the perfect number of all time. Well guess what, 5?  You’ll never be half the number 10 was, no matter what some pussy calculator says.  Also, every time I have $5 bill I’m like, Why the shit isn’t this a $10?  And then I throw it fucking garbage.

Fuck 5.

#4.          3

Remember My Dinner With Andre?  It’s the weird sequel to The Princess Bride where that hilarious “inconceivable” guy and Andre the Giant get dinner and have a long conversation and that’s pretty much it?  If you ask me it was pretty so-so,  all they do is talk (and no one even rhymes during it), but I guess the food looked pretty good.  Anyway, that shit worked because there were two dudes.  2.  The perfect number for a conversation.  So imagine if halfway through, that fucking Grandpa from the first Princess Brideshowed up, sat down at the table and started yamming on about Fred Savage…Wouldn’t that piss you off? Yeah, I remember the Wonder Years.  You know what else I remember about Fred Savage?  Nothing.  Thanks a lot number 3, you just ruined my dinner with Andre the Giant.  And now that dude is dead.

This guy is dead.

Oh yeah, I forgot, Fred Savage is dead.  That is a fact. Tell everyone that Fred Savage is dead and that I need to know where he got that shirt.

#3.          1

In 1969, Three Dog Night told us it’s the loneliest number you’ll ever do. We were going through a break-up then, feeling pretty vulnerable and alone and the song was really speaking to us; they made us feel safe, and we believed them.  But apparently they’re just a bunch of goddamned liars, because they immediately turn around and say it’s actually the number 2.  Well which is it, you two-timing bastards? Whatever. We’re over. Also did you know that guy’s dick exploded?

In reality, 1 isn’t lonely at all; He’s a total egomaniac. It’s the original prime number, and everyone knows prime numbers are arrogant assholes.  “I’m the lowest natural number.” Well no one likes you because you’re a loser and a bad sport.  And, even though 1 can only be divided by 1, it’s not even A FUCKING PRIME NUMBER.  This is because a prime number has to have 2 factors, itself AND 1. The number 1 only has 1 factor, and I’ll bet that was a factor in your dad leaving your mom.

A bunch of lying sacks of shit.  Dude with broken dong is 3rd from left. Also, I had no idea there was a black guy in Three Dog Night.

A bunch of lying sacks of shit. Dude with broken dong is 3rd from left. Also, I had no idea there was a black guy in Three Dog Night.

#2.          2

Eternally overlooked, always the underdog, second in every line. 2 is the Doug Flutie of numbers.  Small but scrappy, 2 has been underestimated, underused and shit all over his entire career.  They said the same things to them both.

“You’re too short, number  2.”    

“You can’t play quarterback, number 2.”

“You throw like a little pussy, number 2.”

 “You can’t go to a good college, 2. You have to go to Boston College, 2.”

“You can’t win the Heisman, 2.”

“I don’t care if you won the Heisman, you’re 5’10”, and look like a failed actor in gay porn.”

“You’ll never make it in gay porn, Doug Flutie.”

You’ll never be in a band with your brother.  And you’ll never rock.”

But then everyone saw him throw a badass Hail Mary with a super wicked spiral, and they were like,

“Hey, 2!…You’re alright.  We were wrong about you.  Here, let us make it up to you. Come be the lowest drafted Heisman winner of all time, then we’ll keep ignoring you until you fade into the Canadian Football League for 8 years or so.  Then, after that, you can come play for The Buffalo Bills.  You can even get us all the way to the playoffs, at which point we’ll bench you and then lose in historic fashion to the Titans on a last second kick return.  Next season, we will demote you to back-up , but everyone will still be really proud of you. Then we’ll cut you.  Best of luck in gay porn, Doug Flutie.”

And you know what? Doug Flutie proved them all wrong, when he tried out for AND made the cut for drummer in the Flutie Brothers Band, because what the fuck else are you going to call a band with Doug Flutie in it?

Doug Flutie is wearing a cutoff shirt and is a drummer in a band but mostly he's wearing a cutoff shirt.

This is the only picture on Doug Flutie’s Wikipedia page. Doug Flutie’s Wikipedia page is  probably the saddest thing ever.  I hope Doug Flutie doesn’t kill himself. Doug Flutie will probably kill himself.

#1.          4

4 is the most musical number, because 4/4 is the most pleasing time signature to the human ear.  In the case of white human ears, it is the only pleasing  time signature.  This is because white people ears are stupid and look dumb the way they stick out.  Mainly, though, white people know that music sometimes leads to dancing and when there are non-white people around that becomes an extremely terrifying situation.  That is why white people clap, because if you clap, you’re basically in the band.  And then it’s just like, bring on chicks?

But don’t ever, ever EVER play anything else. It has to go Boom BAP Boom Boom Bap all the time.  If they can’t count to 4 in a song, white people will become very scared.  So scared they stop clapping and start listening to the voices in their head and then we end up with a dead John Lennon on our hands and we have to act like his solo shit is good.

Jesus Christ, we get it, you like Asian chicks.

Jesus Christ, we get it, you like Asian chicks.

Four is also a really solid number for members in a band.  And if it weren’t for that, I wouldn’t be able to show you this list of the 10 Greatest Bands with Four Members.  I must stress THIS IS TOTALLY REAL.  A real person made this list.  I cannot explain it.  It is just too amazing.

Gone, forgotten. Fred Savage

You sang out tune, we walked out on you.  By the way, where did you get that shirt?


R.I.P. Fred Savage (1976-2012)


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