Tell Us What You Really Think, Kevin Seifert; What is This Blog?

Hey, Matt Bailey, can I really just write anything I want on this blog? *Scrolls down* “The Top 5 Best Numbers”.. some obscure Four Tet thing… a short story about Big Boi.. a novella about trends in NBA hair styles.. Yep!  Totally coherent stream of content going on.  I give this blog seven Confused Hilljacks.

So, the Chicago Bears hired Marc Trestman as their head coach today, and Kevin Seifert, as ESPN’s NFC North Blogger, was forced to write things about it.  Mostly hilariously subtle insult type things.  Also, wildly opposing, hyperbolic prediction type things.  Let’s examine:

In the middle of a cold January night, the Chicago Bears hit a brilliant home run. Either that, or they struck out wildly.

Or possibly a single.  Or an infield fly.  Or maybe they’ll reach third on an error and a blown call by the third base umpire.  Why don’t we have replay for that in baseball yet?

Seriously though, you don’t think the Bears could possibly continue their (multi-season, at this point) run of mediocrity after hiring Trestman?  A couple 9-7 seasons are completely out of the question for this aging, flawed, but unquestionably talented team?

I just don’t see much gray area in their decision to hire Marc Trestman as their next head coach, a man who was once a hot coaching candidate but was so thoroughly rejected by NFL teams that he fled to the CFL five years ago.

Guess not.  Way predict two out of the three possible outcomes though.


There was a better photo to insert there, I’m sure.  Hey, how do I make captions in this thing?

Anyway, you’ve unloaded your thesis(es) (I’m almost positive that’s not the plural form of thesis, but Q: Hey, what is this, a spelling blog? A: Maybe, who knows!), Seifert.  I know how this works.  Now let’s see some tremendously conflicting support statements.

Trestman’s offenses were explosive and innovative and loved by the quarterbacks who ran them. In recent days, some of those quarterbacks have advanced the cause of a coach they feel was unfairly passed over. We’ve heard from Rich Gannon and Steve Young, among others. They’ve spoken of Trestman’s work with them, along with his success in developing a long list of other quarterbacks that include Bernie Kosar, Jake Plummer and Scott Mitchell.


You would be excused for a double-take after reading those names. Grant retired for good in 1985. Kosar has been out of the NFL for 17 years. Young’s last season with Trestman was 1996. Mitchell last played in 2001. Today’s NFL players probably view Gannon, the league’s MVP in 2002, as a television analyst more than a contemporary.

😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦 😦

I can’t tell you how many people I’ve heard speak reverentially about Trestman, a native of the Minneapolis suburb of St. Louis Park who played at the University of Minnesota. Those people range from Grant to Gannon to people Trestman went to high school with. They all believe he is a brilliant offensive strategist and quarterback guru, one whose professorial and quiet demeanor perhaps clouded the view of NFL teams who questioned his ability to command a room and lead an entire team.

FUCK YES.  I’m booking my trip to the 2014 Super Bowl right now.  What balmy vacation hotspot will I be escaping Chicago for next February?  San Diego?  Tampa? Oooo what a great week it’ll be.  *Googles 2014 Superbowl* … GODDAMNIT THE MEADOWLANDS.  Hey, whatever, I’ll just stay in NYC.  The Big Apple!  Yeah, it’ll be great.  Maybe I’ll run into Woody Allen walking around on the street!

That previous NFL success is in many cases decades old, with schemes whose popularity have waned and with quarterbacks who haven’t played in a long time. His success in Canada is better than the alternative, but the CFL is undeniably a different game at a lower level of competition with players of dissimilar mindsets than those in the NFL.

Whatever.  Woody Allen is a pederast, anyway.

Ok, Trestman has a lot of NFL experience, and has found success.  In Canada.  Which is better than the alternative (failure in Canada?).  But he’s old.  He’s 57, and it’s fair to question why it’s taken him this long to get his first NFL coaching job.  The strategies and techniques that resonated with Steve Young and Bernie Kosar (fuck, that’s pretty old) might be outdated in the modern NFL.  But, wait, Kevin, just how old is Marc Trestman?????

Trestman’s run as an NFL assistant began in 1985 — when Bears quarterback Jay Cutler was 2 years old

Ba dunk, CHING!  This is my favorite technique that sports writers use to exemplify how old someone is.  Hey! 1985 was a long time ago!  In 1985 this (insert teammate or other tangentially related person) guy was younger than he is now!  Very young in fact!  Totally irrelevant.  Here are some other ages of people when Marc Trestman first began coaching:

Virginia McCaskey,  62

Brian Urlacher, 7

Soon-Yi Previn, 13

Abe Lincoln’s Ghost, 120

Devin Hester, -3

Negative three!  That’s far too young to be coached by Marc Trestman!

Guys, I don’t know.  I don’t think Kevin Seifert likes this hire very much.  Something about predicting the success of NFL coaching hires always seemed particularly useless to me though.  It’s like judging a draft prospect based off of 18 Wonderlic tests.  “This guy is a strategic genius!”   “His personality will mesh well with the team!”  Sure, I mean, maybe.  And maybe the team will mutiny after an 0-6 start, tie their new captain by his ankles to the goal post, and slap his belly until he screams “I’m a little fat girl!”  Impossible to tell.

Anyway, cheers to the Marc Trestman era.  It’d be nice to see the playoffs one more time before Jay Cutler suffers his 19th concussion and Brian Urlacher’s kneecaps fall off.

Stay tuned this evening, when I’ll be posting an op-ed about gun control followed by a slideshow of photos of Fat Val Kilmer.

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