2013 AWARD: Worst Hair in the NBA
Seriously…look at this fuckin’ shit.
Spencer Hawes, F/C Philadelphia 76ers
Let’s get this out of the way first. Spencer Hawes has, by far, the worst hair in the league. It’s a shaggy, trash mullet usually reserved for Wal-Marts in the south. I really don’t know why anyone who is seen by hundreds of thousands of people on a daily basis would walk around like this. Here are my theories:
- He lost a bet to one of his liberal teammates on the presidential election and is now forced to sport this cut for the rest of the season.
- Someone shaved the sides of head while he was sleeping and he just hasn’t checked a mirror since.
- No other hairstyle goes with his trash ‘stache as well.
- He thinks it is funny and is being “ironic”.
- He enjoys the flop sweat the mullet provides.
With that nastiness out of the way, let’s take a look at the rest of the best and worst stylings in the NBA.
Nick Young aka Swaggy P, G Philadelphia 76ers
2013 AWARD: Best Hair Belonging to Swaggy P
This is the ying to big Spence’s yang.
The controlled chaos of Swaggy P’s tight curls perfectly fits his play style. The confidence oozed by Swaggy P on the court manifests itself with pull up jumpers in transition, isolation scoring attempts, amazing hair, and Doug Collins yelling at him a lot. Not only does Swaggy P have some “swag” hair, Swaggy P is also my favorite nickname in the NBA and I try to fit Swaggy P into any conversation I have as much as possible.
Andrew Bynum, C Philadelphia 76ers
2013 AWARD: Best and Worst Afro
The ABA has been reborn on top of Andrew Bynum’s head this season. After being traded to the 76ers from the Lakers this summer, Bynum showed up to his first press conference with this magnificent ‘fro. Not only is the afro impressive by itself, but the 25 year old Bynum also proudly lets his gray hairs shine through. He is just the definition of not giving a fuck these days.
Bynum has demonstrated open contempt for the Becketts specifically and for the neighborhood generally by blasting loud, profane, and disrespectful music and video games at window-shaking volumes; by letting his dogs run loose through the neighborhood; by apparently engaging in illegal drug use and permitting marijuana smoke to drift into the Becketts’ backyard; by constructing a fence on his property which is not in compliance with the community codes and regulations; by conspicuously brandishing firearms in an attempt to threaten and intimidate the Becketts in retaliation for their legitimate complaints; and, perhaps most seriously, by recklessly racing his luxury cars through the neighborhood at dangerous speeds where children or others could be injured or killed.
Isn’t that shit amazing? Bynum is my favorite NBA thing this year.
Unfortunately for Bynum, he also showed up on the sidelines this season sporting this look:
He explained this look by saying it was inspired by the cartoon character pimp named “Slickback” from The Boondocks, which is pretty much the perfect Andrew Bynum thing.
Josh Childress, G/F Brooklyn Nets
2013 AWARD: The Outstanding Achievement Award for Keepin’ It Real
The classic, clean, perfectly sculpted afro every black man should be striving for. This style would fit perfectly into an era of basketball (well maybe not the era where everyone still hated “the blacks”), yet only a hand full of players in the league are willing to dedicate themselves to pulling it off. Childress has sported either a flat top or an afro his entire career and we all should remain thankful for his presence. He is an average player with a very above average afro.
Hasheem Thabeet, C Oklahoma City Thunder
2013 AWARD: Hair Most Likely to Belong to a Homeless Man
Seen here trying to get Kevin Durant to like him, Hasheem Thabeet proudly displays how not to attempt an afro. Is this the beginning stage of attempted dreads? What would he even look like with dreads? Is his scalp too sensitive to pick his hair out? Does he even wash it? What does it smell like? All of these questions need answers.
Nick Collison, F Oklahoma City Thunder
2013 AWARD: Best Fake ‘fro
OKC’s Collison uses this picture for his Twitter avatar and is easily the best fake afro I’ve ever seen.
Kenneth Faried, C/F Denver Nuggets
2013 Award: Best Dreads
The nonstop ferocity that Faried plays with lends itself well to long dreads that flop behind him. The “Manimal” is frequently found in highlights such as this:
Gerald Wallace, F Brooklyn Nets
2013 AWARD: Person with Dreads that is Most Likely to be Covering Up a Receding Hairline with a Headband
Wallace is another high energy play with dreads and has earned his nickname of “Crash” in his 11 years in the league. Although shorter than ideal, his dreads have been with him almost every step of his NBA journey and will always be associated with him.
Jordan Hill, F Los Angeles Lakers
2013 AWARD: Most Underrated Dreads
Seen here getting told all of the ways he is not as good as Kobe Bryant by Kobe Bryant, Jordan Hill looks fresh as fuck with his dreads. He is another member of the “high motor rebounder” type of player that apparently you have to have dreads for.
Chris Copeland, F New York Knicks
2013 AWARD: Best Hybrid Hair Style
Chris Copeland took the NBA hair world by storm by bursting onto the scene in the Summer League. He has a unique half corn row, half dread lock style that is possibly the future of NBA hair. Keep an eye on this youngster in the future for more innovations.
Nene, C/F Washington Wizards
2013 AWARD: Most Consistent Hair
Like Gerald Wallace, Nene’s dreads have been with him nearly every step of the way. He has lost a step from injuries and age, but his hair has never looked better.
Ronny Turiaf, C/F New York Knicks
2013 AWARD: Straightest Rows
Much like the afro, the corn rows have become a lost art. Turiaf likes to go with the classic row of corn with a streamlined approach. No messing around here.
Michael Beasley, F Phoenix Suns
2013 AWARD: Best Corn Rows
Beasley spices things up with some pizzazz by implementing a simple and effective design into his rows. The middle line is straight while the two outside lines criss-cross back and forth. This pays homage to rows of seasons past (shouts to my bro Iverson) while not being absurd. Nicely done, Mike.
Kawhi Leonard, G/F San Antonio Spurs
2013 AWARD: Best Simple Design
This is the in between of the Turiaf and Beasley look. The rows have a slightly jagged pattern to add an element of coolness. Bonus points for having really long tails in the back.
Long and Wild
2013 AWARD: Most Conditioner Required
Joakim Noah, C Chicago Bulls
Noah corrals his tribal mane by placing it into a bun on top of his head. During the game his hairs start to sprout out when his bun becomes looser and makes him look like a wild animal. There is a very good chance he owns the longest hair in the league.
NOTE: In the opinion of my girlfriend, Noah has the best hair in the NBA and he should have his own section entitled “Long and Beautiful”.
Anderson Varejao, C/F Cleveland Cavaliers
2013 AWARD: Best Hair That Should Belong to Sideshow Bob
Varejao chooses to let his head band be the only hair restraining force on his head during games and we are rewarded for it. His hair comically flops all over the court.
Robin Lopez, C New Orleans Hornets
2013 AWARD: Worst Hair in the NBA Runner Up
Robin Lopez has made a complete mess of his head. This is the kind of thing that happens to neglected dogs with long coats. He needs to buzz it and start over. There are lots of good qualities and lots of potential with a hair type like this, but the stoner festival bro look isn’t the way to go.
Fresh as Fuck Flat Top
Iman Shumpert, G New York Knicks
2013 AWARD: Flattest Top
Volume of a Cylinder = π * r^2 * h
Assuming the circumference of his flat top is 7.75 inches means the radius of his top is 1.233450808962189 (assume perfectly circular top), and assume height of 3 inches:
π * 1.233450808962189^2 * 3 = x
π * 1.52140089813 * 3 = x
4.77962188473 * 3 = x
14.3388656542 = x
The volume of Iman Shumpert’s hair is ~14.3388656542 inches^3
Norris Cole, G Miami Heat
2013 AWARD: Best Hair Most Likely to Appear in a Blaxploitation Film
Norris Cole adds some flair to his flat top with some 1970s style burns and a pretty nice chin tuft. The NBA needs more flat tops and that makes me even more excited for Nerlens Noel, next year’s front runner for Best Overall NBA Hair.
James Harden, G Houston Rockets
2013 AWARD: Best Mohawk
James Harden is world renowned for his healthy beard, but his mohawk is almost equally as trendy. There is a serious lack of ‘hawks in the NBA right now (R.I.P. Denghawk). Here’s to hoping one of the NBA’s best can inspire the next generation to buzz their locks beyond their comfort zone.
Jared Jeffries, F Portland Trailblazers
2013 AWARD: Worst Mohawk
Little known fact: Jared Jeffries is only in the league for his supersonic hearing abilites. He can hear what the coach in the other huddle is saying during timeouts and inform his teammates. Largely known fact: he has a terrible mohawk.
Medium Length Straight Hair
Ricky Rubio, G Minnesota Timberwolves
2013 AWARD: Best Overall Hair
Be honest, how long did you just sit there and stare at that beautiful Spanish face? I keep scrolling up and checking it out. Those Spanish locks are awe inspiring. I like to imagine it feels like silk and smells like flowers. Ricky Rubio has some of most gorgeous hair I’ve ever seen on a human head.
Andrei Kirilenko, F Minnesota Timberwolves
2013 AWARD: Most Ambitious
This bro. Seriously. This bro has had some amazing/ridiculous hairstyles in his past. Do yourself a favor and Google “Andrei Kirilenko Hair“. Totally worth it, right? Did you also know his wife lets him have sex with one other woman a year? No? Well it’s true. I wonder what the process for choosing that girl is. I bet he uses that as a pickup line. This would be a tremendous reality television show. Anyways, his hair is pretty awful.
Aaron Gray, C Toronto Raptors
2013 AWARD: Worst White Guy Hair
I don’t know if there is any hairstyle that would look decent on “The White Panther”. He is just a goofy individual. The middle parted, medium length straight hair is not his ideal look. Doesn’t this picture remind you of a middle school yearbook photo of someone who has never gotten laid?
Male Pattern Baldness
Chris Kaman, C Dallas Mavericks
2013 AWARD: Baldest Man in the NBA
I’m not here to make fun of people that are going bald. I’m only pointing out the fact that some of the world’s best athletes are losing their hair. Kaman is basically completely bald at this point. He has been balding for a long time and I now believe he is the baldest man in the NBA. Here is what he used to look like:
Kosta Kofous, C Denver Nuggets
2013 AWARD: Most Rapidly Balding
Kofous won the starting gig at center this year for the Nuggets despite lacking the full head of hair that his backup, Javale McGee, possessed. Give it a couple more years and he will be in contention for baldest player in the NBA.
Manu Ginobili, G San Antonio Spurs
2013 AWARD: Best Eurobald
Manu is a tragic victim of male pattern baldness. He has been a key piece of multiple NBA championships, but he still isn’t immune to losing his hair. Remember when he swatted a bat out of mid air during a game?
Gerald Henderson, G/F Charlotte Bobcats
On one hand, I have to give credit to Gerald for going for it and not giving a fuck, but on the other hand, that shit is not looking good. He obviously has a receding hairline, but refuses to give in. Indication of a strong spirit dwelling within? Probably, but who knows since he is stuck in Charlotte.
Nikola Pekovic, C Minnesota Timberwolves
2013 AWARD: Most Intimidating Balding Man
I can’t tell whether he has a receding hairline or if he just has an extremely protruding widow’s peak, so I’m throwing him in this category. Either way, I would never make fun of this man to his face because he is terrifying and could easily beat me and 5 of my friends up at the same time. Whoever painted that picture of him is a very good artist though.
Emeka Okafor, C Washington Wizards
2013 AWARD: Biggest forehead
At least 12 inches of forehead.
Deron Williams, PG Brooklyn Nets
2013 AWARD: Greasiest Hair with a Hint of Baldness
Does he add the grease himself, or does he just not wash it enough?
LeBron James, F Miami Heat
2013 AWARD: Best Balding Player
Perhaps the most famous balding man on the planet. He is infamous for “The Decision” but is also equally jeered for the huge headband he wears to cover up his receding hairline.
Eventually he will need to admit defeat and go for the bald look. Jordan and Kobe both had to go down this route, it’s only natural LeBron will follow suit.
Fresh White Guy Cuts
Steve Nash, PG Los Angeles Lakers
2013 AWARD: Trying the Hardest to Fit in
Oh Steve Nash, you perpetually damp headed cock-tease, why’d you have to go and do me like that? At each season’s end, as you walked defeated off the court, I’d think, maybe, maybe next season. Maybe next November your long beleaguered hairline, perched for years atop your skull at precisely high noon, would finally succumb to time and you’d officially join the ranks of Badly Balding NBA Players.
Not Chris Kaman, who by all accounts was drafted directly out of a cave in the Kamchatka wilderness, nor The Big Cisco Systems Analyst (Brian Cardinal), but you! You would be the greatest Badly Balding NBA Player in the league! Imagine Russell Westbrook’s horror, a no look pass slung past his face by a crafty old point-wizard who looked like he should be working behind the counter at a bait shop! But for you, alas, it was LA, and its personal stylists with their insistence on slim tailored suits and haircuts befitting a GQ red carpet, cropped and flawlessly parted. Goddamn this cruel world. -Drew Greaves
I had every intention of defending “Gatsby” when I heard you had slandered him, but I can’t argue with your logic. Expectation is what makes his hair great. You don’t assume a haircut layered like fine tiramisu to sit perfectly still atop the head of a future hall of famer, unless its 1956. That said, a bic job would catapult Nash into hair immortality, characterizing the savvy but fragile floor general that attends dusty church pickup games twice a week. There’s nothing left to prove on top for Nash, so why not take away something beautiful, if for no other reason than to show Steve Blake how it’s done. – Matthew Bailey
J.J. Redick, G Orlando Magic
2013 AWARD: Freshest White Guy Cut
Kyle Korver, G/F Atlanta Hawks
2013 AWARD: Most Likely to Drop Panties After Draining a 3 and Running Fingers Through His Hair
My girlfriend disagrees with me on Korver. I find his Bieber-esque stylings to be tasteful and modern, yet she sees him as “bizarre looking”.
Danilo Gallinari, F Denver Nuggets
2013 AWARD: Best Eurowhiteguyfreshcut
All of these white bros with fresh cuts have been great 3 point shooters so far. We have our first European in Gallinari. I think this may be what Nash was going for in his unsuccessful attempt, but Gallinari’s cut remains far superior.
Andrea Bargnani, C/F Toronto Raptors
2013 AWARD: Most Likely to Fulfill a Stereotype
I really hope Bargnani has a frosted tip phase in the near future.
Tiago Splitter, C/F San Antonio Spurs
2013 AWARD: Most Likely to Make Manu Ginobili Jealous
Fresh cut. Very fresh. Very fresh. Get this guy a modeling contract.
Josh McRoberts, F Orlando Magic
2013 AWARD: Best Haircut to Pair with a Ralph Lauren Polo
The version of Josh McRoberts that you see staring coolly back at you is one long removed from his days as a member of the Portland Trail Blazers. McBob was a basketball vagabond, rocking long locks that made him look like an extremely athletic homeless man who stumbled onto the court, and he sort of was, vacillating (and grumbling) between the Idaho Stampede and the Blazers. But a trade to his hometown Pacers, along with an eventual haircut, cleaned up his face and game: his only season with an above-average PER was with the Pacers. Once Josh finally bro’d out to embrace his Carmel, Ind. roots (the #1 place in the nation to live according to CNN Money Magazine, woohoo!! Pool party!) and started rocking the fresh cut, his career started looking up. This is a guy who was once almost packaged with a first round pick for OJ Mayo twice people, he even got out of LA in the Dwight trade, a blessing in disguise. And McBob owes it all to his haircut (and the Pacers). Now smile with your eyes, Josh.–Adam Lukach
Landry Fields, G/F Toronto Raptors
2013 AWARD: Best Half Black Guy Hair in the White Guy Hair Category
Fields is mixed race, but he’s half white so he gets lumped in here. He is a very handsome man with one of the freshest cuts around. One of the most underrated cuts in the league.
Enes Kanter, C Utah jazz
2013 AWARD: Smallest Forehead
Here is the polar opposite of Emeka Okafor. Maybe 2 inches of forehead. I don’t think this man will ever have to worry about going bald.
Chase Budinger, F Minnesota Timberwolves
This cut is not 100% fresh, but he gets incluced because he looks very much like Brendan Fraser’s basketball character in “Bedazzled”. GO DIABLOS!
Long Free Flowing Hair
Alexey Shved, G Minnesota Timberwolves
2013 AWARD: Best Hair that Would Also Look Good on a Female
Shved found time to play this year due to Ricky Rubio’s ACL tear. Nobody knew the amazing hair he would bring to the table. Shved has borderline best hair in the NBA.
Lou Amundson, C/F Minnesota Timberwolves
2013 AWARD: Worst Player to have Hair Down to His Ass
White bro with super long flowing hair. Sounds like a winning combination, but in Lou’s case, it makes him look like an IDIOT. He is not a good player and that further adds to my disdain for his hair. He sucks, and so does his hair.
Luis Scola, PF/C Phoenix Suns
2013 AWARD: Best Questionably Classic Hair
Straight and black. Questionable style. Very Classic. Borderline Iconic.
Blake Griffin, F Los Angeles Clippers
2013 AWARD: Most Underrated Hair
Brandon Jennings, G Milwaukee Bucks
2013 AWARD: Best Worst Cut Someone Has Had Who Has Also Had Awesome Cuts in the Past
Jennings has had multiple A+ hairstyles in the past, and while this is a great cut, it doesn’t reach the past greatness. I give this a solid B.